Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who seems indifferent to your presence? Maybe you notice that you are the one starting every conversation, or perhaps their responses to invitations to hang out are always closer to “sure” than “yes!” The best way I can think to define this behavior is aloofness. Aloofness is different from emotional unavailability because people who are emotionally unavailable typically have had some experience(s) in life that left them feeling unsafe becoming close so they avoid closeness with others. Aloofness lacks this level of awareness. An aloof person is often not trying to accomplish anything with their seemingly indifferent demeanor. In fact, they may seem to not like you by their actions, while actually feeling quite the opposite.
5 tips if you are connected with an aloof person. Feeling uncertain about whether or not a person enjoys being around you can generate a lot of relational anxiety. Whether it is a friendship, family member, or romantic relationship, here are some tips to help support your needs:
Know that your needs are not a reflection of whether they care or not. You may have emotional needs that the aloof person does not. You offer complements, start conversations, and make invitations to hang out because you are attempting to meet your own connection needs. An aloof person often needs less of these types of reassurances, so they issue less of them. It’s a good thing to want connection, and it is ok that we develop different needs.
Know the emotional needs you can effectively meet for yourself, but also know that connection is a two or more person job. Know the difference between expecting someone else to heal an attachment wound and seeking the connection you deserve.
Try making requests. Aloof people often need more explicit cues and requests to meet emotional needs. Connection may come instinctually for you. For them, it might be learned. Learning takes time. Be direct, ask for the things you need, and be patient with their efforts.
Give them space. Aloof is a more negative word for content. It isn't that those who seem aloof don't enjoy connection as much as the same person, they just enjoy longer periods of contentment. If you would like to experience them turning their attention towards you, seeking you out, give them the opportunity by not beating them to the chase. Let them miss you. It's not a game, it is practicing restraint, and maintaining balance in the relationship.
Consider if you'd be better off in relationships with people with similar needs. If your aloof partner or friend seems to not try and you continue to be frustrated, it may be best to chalk this up to a difference in relational needs. It’s ok for you to choose to not be so close with someone who keeps you guessing. Other people are looking for the same kinds of emotional connection you are, and are ecstatic to return compliments, phone calls, and invitations.
5 Tips if you are the aloof person in the relationship? First, hello friend! It is not a bad thing to be so comfortable with yourself that you aren’t constantly looking for reassurance from others. As a person who does need that reassurance myself, I can tell you it is exhausting being on the other side. I envy the calm nature of the aloof people in my life! However, when important people come into your life, here are some basic relational standards to maintain if you want those important people to stick around:
If you like them, or love them, tell them often. We often assume the people that we care about know that we care about them. They might know, but even so, it doesn’t hurt to remind them from time to time.
Pay attention. People can tell when they have your attention and when they do not. It can be as simple as looking at them when they speak. This action will also make you a better listener. When you focus on a person with your eyes, your ears have a way of hearing better. They begin to match up words with facial expressions and help you form a better idea of how a person is doing, and what they might need from you.
Don’t forget important things. Not everyone is into birthdays or gifts or being celebrated, however forgetting to acknowledge the people you care about on important days can make them feel insignificant. Additionally, if a person trusts you with important information, be mindful of it. If you’re not reliable, supportive, or caring when it comes to their important things, they will seek out connections with those who are.
Consider what your emotional relationships bring into your life. It is easy to dismiss emotional people as “dramatic.” However, ask yourself what excitement, connection, support, enthusiasm, care, and compassion are these emotional people bringing into your life for your benefit? It is easy to consider ourselves as non-emotional people sometimes, but look at how many emotional people you choose to surround yourself with. You might struggle to connect with people on an and these types of people make it easy for you to have close connections because they are often happy to do most of the work. But if you give nothing back - they won’t stick around.
What if I’m only struggling to connect with certain people? Maybe you are only “aloof” with certain people, and it’s not a personality trait. Sometimes the kinder move is to move on. We are all out here trying to be “nice” by going along with everyone else’s thing, while we’re missing out on our own thing. If a person is good and kind and you just don’t like them for some reason, you don't need to explain to them why you don't like them. That person is likable - it's you that doesn't happen to like them. Stick to your feelings. If you care, but you’re not acting like it - they may leave you. But if you don’t care, it is kinder for you to leave then to keep them guessing.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. DD has been practicing relational therapy for three years. This article is based on observations made throughout experiences with various types of relationships and dynamic patterns that frequently occur. If you are seeking relational therapy in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here.
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 8am-7pm, Fridays from 8am-12pm (in-person and online)
*Offers LGBTQ+ affirming relational therapy, youth counseling, and divorcing and separating well counseling.
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