Is sex important in a relationship? I know what you're thinking, "of course it is!" But actually, it's complicated. What I know for sure, is that we have been told subliminally that sex is critically important in a relationship. We've come to believe that our relationship is failing if things don't stay hot and heavy long-term. However, in the short time I've been doing couples work, I have heard of dozens of couples who haven't had sex in years - and that's not the issue with which they are seeking help. I've worked with many same-sex couples who just aren't that concerned about how often they have sex. I have worked with older couples who don't want to have to worry about how their bodies have changed with age who'd much rather snuggle.
I've also seen examples of partnerships, where one party is desperate to increase the frequency of sex in the relationship, while the other party could honestly go with out it. There are persons with sexual trauma who struggle to feel safe. There are people who don't experience sexual desire much at all. Queer couples and polycules, have had to create different rules and sexpectations altogether because they've been virtually forgotten in the world of marriage and couples counseling. We may think we know what a normal sex life is, but diversity in sexual satisfaction is severely under discussed. What can work for some may not for others.
What does it all mean? Who is right? Is there a an answer that will help us finally put this issue to bed? Well, let's start by comparing what the research says versus what you may have been taught to believe is true about sex and relationships.
WebMD published the article How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex? and it is backed with legitimate studies. They reported that about 47% of married couples have sex less than once a week. And 53% of American adults are having sex less than once per month (10% of that group did not have sex in the last year). These comparisons are between average American adults and married folk, but they are pointing to the same misconception - that sex is a need. When I hear the word need, I think of something that a person cannot live without. Food? Yes, need! Water? Yes, need. Sleep? Yes, NEED! Sex... that is a want. It's not a bad want, but a relationship can survive without it. There are common factors in a relationship far more likely to predict whether that relationship will succeed or not. Things like friendship, communication, healthy conflict, shared goals and values, etc are all each equally important to the success of a relationship as a satisfying sex life. No one is keeping score on these other factors the way they keep track of sex, but maybe they should.
According to a study of over 30,000 married people who have sex at least weekly report being no more happy in their relationships than those who have less of it. As far as I can find, more frequent sex does not improve the quality of a relationship. In fact, couples who focus on frequency of sexual interactions over quality connection, report having less satisfying sexual experiences altogether. What if your requests for more sex are causing you to have worse sex? Which would you prefer: less frequent mind-blowing experiences that leave you feeling connected to your partner or mediocre boilerplate routine sex?
When you tell your partner they are letting you down because they aren't "putting out" enough, you kill the mood. A person in that situation can only put themselves through the motions of having sex to please you, but on another level - it hurts them and it hurts the relationship. When you make sex a job or a task for your partner, not only do they feel bad that they don't want to give you what you want, you take away the opportunity for them to choose you altogether. They feel like they are failing you, and you end up only getting sex out of a sense of duty - not love, not passion. Your relationship will slip into a cycle where no one is really getting what they want.
Sex is supposed to be fun! It's supposed to be intimate. It's supposed to feel good. However, many people in relationships, are not experiencing any of these things in the bedroom. While high desire partners can be supportive of their low desire partners by focusing on making sex more comfortable, fun, and pleasurable - intimacy rarely exists in the bedroom if it does not exist outside the bedroom.
It has been my experience that one partner in a relationship often takes on the majority of the hermeneutic labor. Hermeneutic labor is any action that is done with the purpose of maintaining a social and emotional bond with another person. Think about it, someone in your relationship is the one who reaches for the other's hand first. One of you starts interesting conversations like, "if you weren't doing the job you have now, what would you want to do?" One of you plans the dates and initiates together time at the end of the day. It isn't fair when low desire partners are reaching out, trying to connect in all of these ways, and they are told time and time again that they are the ones not meeting their partner's needs. It isn't that low desire partners don't like sex. It just isn't the most important thing for them when they are seeking connection. Low desire partners can generate sparks of passion when they feel seen and loved through non-sexual acts. Terry Real coined the expression that intimacy really means IN-TO-ME-SEE, meaning that we feel intimately connected to others when we feel seen. You can't be intimate with someone while having sex if you never have meaningful conversations. That is just sex, not intimacy.
If you struggle to connect on an emotional level with your partner, chances are, it's not your fault. Few of us have examples of loving parents who doted on each other. Hell, not many of us have parents who stayed together. We are left to learn how to love better all by ourselves. And it is not easy. There are many great books, podcasts (Reimagining Love is my favorite right now) that can help you generate better connection with your partner. For now, I'll see if I can offer some support.
If you are willing to bend on the idea that frequency is not the most important factor in a great sex life, but building intimacy through a stronger connection is, I can help. Here are my 5 most important tips for couples who want to have a deeper, more passionate connection with their partner:
Communication - possibly my favorite thing to teach in relationships is how to learn how to talk more about what you want without making a request. Getting comfortable talking about what we want, opens up a dialogue about what we like. I'm not just talking about the bedroom either! Being able to talk about things you want and have your partner listen (this tip doesn't work if you don't also mutually listen to each other) increases your chances of getting what you want. The key here is to simply express your wants to each other, not to demand them of each other. Just because you want chocolate cake, doesn't mean you automatically get it. It does mean, however, that your partner will know exactly what to surprise you with when they want to make your day. Talk about what you like and don't like, and what you'd like to try when you're being intimate. It's good idea to talk about what you like "in bed" when you are not in bed - sometimes it can kill the mood when a person feels like they are getting a lesson or being criticized. Remember to reinforce what you like and what you would like, and less on what you don't like.
Friendships are fun - find a common hobby. Find something that makes you both laugh. Share your histories and stories with each other. Support each other on the bad days, and celebrate the good ones. I see far too many couples relying on external friendships for things that they lack in their intimate relationships. When we are friends, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we have more fun. And fun can follow you to the bedroom.
Respect - There is no such thing as a friendship without respect. Respect comes down to having concern for the other person's experience and treating them how you would want to be treated. People are not possessions. People are not appliances that produce and supply you with your needs. If you do not respect your partner, and you feel you have good reason - perhaps you are in the wrong relationship. It is very difficult to be intimate with someone who doesn't have respect for you.
Consent - the only time a person should be disrespectful in a bedroom is when they have been asked to. If you don't know what I mean, go ask your mom, or Google. Consent is more than, "no means no." Consent is having respect for another human being's body, and understanding that you do nothing unless the other person wants you to. Stay in tune with your partner's comfort level. Consent is sexy! It is a far better outcome to ask, "Can I kiss you?" than to plant your lips on a person who did not want to be kissed.
Attention - all of these tips extend beyond sex, but none more so than this one. I hope that every person in a relationship can learn what it is like to constantly have the attention of their partner. When your partner has your attention, you think about them even when they are away. You are excited to see them when they return. You desire to be close to them, and you love listening to them. Attention is easy in the beginning of relationships, but it becomes harder when the practicality of life gets in the way. You must make time to notice your partner. Pay attention to them. Make time to go on dates, stay up late chatting, go on long drives, send messages to each other when you are apart. Don't expect what you don't give.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)
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