People often say things like relationships are hard, or every relationship has it' problems - and while these statements are true, I often hear them when someone is trying to explain why they don't need couples counseling. Before I became a therapist, I didn't really understand the benefit of working out personal or relationship problems with another person. I'd had these same thoughts - relationships are hard and it's normal to have some problems. To me this didn't necessarily mean that the relationship was bad or needed professional help. To be clear, you can do a lot for your relationship by reading good books, and having good conversations with your partner. However, we all get stuck sometimes.
Being in a 20 year long relationship myself, I am constantly surprised at how we can go through our own waves. Even now, after understanding how relational therapy works, I don't always have the answers for my own relationship to get us unstuck in the tough times. No matter how much we love and respect each other, there are still times where it is just hard to choose to stay with one person for the unforeseeable future. Especially if we feel we are losing ourselves to be with the other person.
Ester Perel often says that many of us will have many different romantic relationships in one lifetime, and some of us will have all of them with the same person. Basically, we are always changing. Those who can stay together learn to adapt the relationship to the way each person changes throughout. The relationship ends and begins again when we reintroduce ourselves to each other as we change. When we find ourselves in relational distress, we often want things to go back to the way they were in happier times, but sometimes this is the problem. We aren't who we were when we met. The challenge of staying together is rooted in whether or not we can love the same person as they change throughout their lifespan.
On top of who we are becoming, we neglect the issues created by who we were before we even met. Some of us are just starting out in our hopeful, long-term relationships and already asking ourselves if we can be with this person forever. While therapy cannot solve every problem in your relationship, one way therapy can significantly improve how you show up, is to help you deal with your trauma and understand your attachment style. Trauma and attachment styles are therapy terms that are used too frequently and broadly misunderstood. However, what you need to know about them is that every human being is like a jigsaw puzzle piece. We are "carved out" in our childhoods and early relationships. The shape formed in these early experiences determines how we connect and interact with others. If we are used to being a certain way to "deserve" love, we take that with us everywhere we go. We seek to "deserve" love from others based on what we learned from our past. What we don't realize is that our puzzle piece is often shaped by unhealthy relationships, and so it only knows how to fit into other unhealthy relationships. We want healthier relationships, but we are uncomfortable in them. We don't understand how we need to change in order to participate in one. Almost all puzzle pieces need reshaping in order to have healthy long-term relationships because we aren't taught when we are young what makes a "good" relationship. Good relationships don't just happen. They require thoughtful attention and intention.
While you likely have a lot of the skills and knowhow required to improve your relationship without therapy, if you are feeling stuck - you're not alone. There is no shame in seeking out therapy to help you improve your relationship. Couples counseling can be so fun! It is a dedicated space and time to learning to love each other better. You may laugh! You may cry. It can be so beautiful and exciting. Sometimes, it is hard to face the problems in our relationships, but to deny they exist is the beginning of the end. It is a slow and painful death to the relationship if you continue to brush off problems as normal and therefore acceptable. When you see problems and do nothing about them, it causes further damage to your relationship. If you and your partner are going through a tough time, and are considering couples counseling, I am here to help! Please feel free to reach out an ask any questions to see if couples counseling with me is a good fit for you.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. DD has been practicing relational therapy for three years. This article is based on observations made throughout experiences with various types of relationships and dynamic patterns that frequently occur. If you are seeking relational therapy in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here.
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-1pm (in-person and online)
*Offers LGBTQ+ affirming relational therapy, youth counseling, and divorcing and separating well counseling.
コメント