THE RAINCOAT: SUPPORTING A PARTNER THROUGH MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

Some of us were raised in households where feelings were treated like a bad thing. Where our disappointments and frustrations were often punished and no one took the time to understand them. Others of us were raised with one or more parents who were emotionally erratic. The slightest thing set someone off and breaking dishes was a commonplace. Some of us come from cultures where depression and anxiety are dismissed as made up problems. Or perhaps mental illness was taboo and kept private from neighbors and extended family as if it were something to be ashamed of. If you were lucky, you might have come from a home where your parents could talk about their feelings without losing control, and model for you how to deal with your own.

Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? If so, how did that experience teach you to deal with mental and emotional turmoil? Did the inability of your parents to control their own emotions make you scared of other people's feelings? Did the suppression of your own feelings make you crave validation? Were big emotions kept from you in a way that now makes you uncomfortable to be around them? Or were you one of the lucky ones where your feelings were allowed and you had good examples of people who could regulate themselves?

Oftentimes I will see a couple where one partner comes from a home where emotions were suppressed and the other partner comes from a home where emotions were more familiar. When the partner who has learned to be uncomfortable with these behaviors is called on to support a partner who experiences symptoms of depression or anxiety, their response is often to attempt to either fix the "bad" feeling, or get away from it. If you didn't grow up around a healthy expression of emotions, you may find yourself unable to know what to do when your partner has big feelings. Have you ever considered that it is not your partner’s feelings you are trying to manage, but the way watching them struggle is making you feel? Are you possibly trying to suppress their expression to relieve your own discomfort? 

I like to use the analogy of a raincoat to explain how we can be supportive to our partners while also supporting ourselves and the discomfort we feel next to a feeling that isn't even our own. Imagine your partner is standing in the rain. You, seeing them cold and wet, rush out to bring them an umbrella. You try to take away the experience of the wet and the cold from them because you were taught to understand wet and cold as bad things. But your partner may want to experience the rain. Being wet and cold may be exactly what they need to feel at that moment. You bringing them an umbrella is about you, not them. A better way to support your partner is to put on a raincoat so that you can stay close to them while they have their experience, but you don’t have to experience it for them. Their feelings are not your feelings. You can be close to them in a time of need without taking away their experience, and without taking on their experience as your own. Here are some things you can try to help you support your partner in their symptoms of depression and anxiety better:

1. Acknowledge the hardship your partner is experiencing. “Oof! That is hard. I'm so sorry, hun.” Empathy is about acknowledging how the other person is feeling. It is not about changing the feeling. It is not about your experience. Sympathy is different from empathy because it is like saying “That sucks for you” and then walking away. Empathy is validating that what they are experiencing is hard, and choosing to stay with them through it as a witness of the pain, while knowing that you don't actually have to be in pain too.  

2. Be close, but don’t try to fix it. Let them know that you are here to help if they ask. If they want to talk, just listen. Simple gestures may be appropriate like bringing a blanket or a glass of water, but these things should be delivered to communicate a sort of permission to feel their feelings not with the intention to make them go away. It is common for us to get frustrated with our partners when we can't make them feel better. We might say things like "doesn't seem like you're doing anything to get better. Seems like you want to be sad." This is not helpful. And it isn't even about their lack of effort to regulate, it is about our own sense of failure to make them feel better.

3. Regulate your own feelings. If seeing someone you care about struggle makes you uncomfortable, learn to acknowledge that. It makes me so sad to see her this way. And then think about actions and behaviors that might be appropriate for you to offload feelings that do not belong to you. “Ok honey, you’ve got your blanket and your show. I am going to go for a 15 minute walk so that I can support you better when I get back. I will have my phone if you need anything. Is there anything I can do for you before I go?” If you become so burdened by your partner’s feelings, they might forget to take care of themselves and start trying to take care of you. 

4. Learn to tolerate discomfort. Maybe you don’t cry when you are sad. Maybe you don’t need to talk about every little detail to feel better about a situation that didn’t go well…. But some people do. Sometimes we communicate to others that they are “too much” when they are experiencing emotion just because we were taught to suppress the expression of our own. Just because you process feelings your way, doesn't make their way bad. Think of it like witnessing a fire rage. Yes, if you get too close it can burn you - and no matter what they are feeling, it is not ok for them to hurt you. But a fire can also be beautiful and warm. Even if you are not an emotionally expressive person, you can learn to appreciate how your partner expresses emotion. It might make you feel a little uncomfortable at first, but you will build a tolerance, become a better listener, and maybe even learn something you didn’t know how to do for yourself.

5. Communication is the best policy. Even just saying, "I am really struggling to not be bummed because I know how sad you are" lets your partner know that you are struggling to separate your feelings from theirs. Whether you need a short regulating break, or you choose to sit through the feelings, it's ok to speak up. Whenever you are able to share with someone else about how you are feeling without making them responsible, you give them information to understand you better. Speak your needs, and listen to theirs.

This isn't an easy thing to practice. Just know that other people's feelings are other people's feelings, and it's ok for them to have them. If you struggle to connect with your own feelings, therapy is a good place to start practicing. When we don't have the ability to healthily express and share our emotions with others, they tend to bubble up in passive ways. Become a better partner today by getting in touch with your own feelings and learning how to regulate them.

This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, LMFT. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here

DD Love, LMFT

640 Grand Ave,

Grand Junction, CO 81507

(970) 852-0687

Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)