5 Questions for a Better Sex-life
Even though I specialize in LGBTQ+ relational therapy, about 50% of my couples are heterosexual. While every couple is unique and nuanced, my head spins a bit when I see the same issue over and over. I can't help but see a pattern and ask myself "What is going on here?" One major issue that keeps coming up with heterosexual couples is the frequency of sex. It felt like a problem and I needed to understand why I felt so activated by this particular situation. I can't say that any of my reasoning comes from research or data, but I know what it feels like to be a woman in the world today, and I feel for my female clients who are in relationships with men where the frequency of sex is seen as a relational issue. It's a systemic pattern that impacts all relational structures, not just heterosexual ones. We have been conditioned to believe that sex is a pinnacle attribute of a healthy relationship, and even couple's therapy gurus reinforce this narrative. Furthermore, what these specific men describe as sex is almost always intercourse with penetration where they get to ejaculate into their partner… if you’re grossed out by these words… so am I! I'm not shying away from the descriptive language here because I feel that sex and intimacy need to be discussed in a different way than I’m used to articulating. We cannot dance around what is happening here anymore.
I often hear good, kind men saying that the value of sex is more than what I have described above, but it is also the closeness and the connection they feel when they are physically intimate with someone who loves them. It is how they access that feeling of love. I hope to expound upon why this feeling is not in fact love, or intimacy, while I understand where the belief comes from.
Intimacy is an act of love interlaced with the vulnerability of allowing yourself to be seen and feel connected because the person you are with is embracing you while truly seeing you. We lean on sex because the vulnerability of being naked, soft, gentle, loving towards another, sharing breath and skin, is a physical way to connect with someone else. It does not require words. And yes, there is magic and goodness in it. There is connection and intimacy. However, if you don’t have language and meaning outside the bedroom, what you’re actually getting through sex is not connection, love, or intimacy… it's just the closest thing to the actual experience that you can access. You crave sex, like a drug or junk food, because you need to feel something that the act of sex almost gets you to. And the fun exciting release of endorphins makes you think you have found it! But it doesn’t last. The connection doesn’t go with you once you leave the room.
You wonder why something so enjoyable isn’t what your female partner wants. You might say something like “Last night was so fun! Want to do it again tonight?” Only to feel confusion when she grimaces and says something like, “All you want is sex!” She is mad, and you go from feeling connected to her - to feeling rejected. Sound familiar? This is the pattern I keep seeing and it isn't working for anyone in these relationships.
Something that occurred to me is that some people might not be able to hold the concept of an intimate and reciprocal relationship in their minds. We have all been raised in a patriarchal society. That structure is nothing more than a ranking and classifying of human beings where the “most masculine” are placed at the pinnacle. Even decent human beings, who do not necessarily like the patriarchy or agree with it are impacted by it. In a hierarchy, there is no such thing as reciprocity. Someone is always above and someone is always below in a system of ranking. So whether men (and those who prioritize sex as a key component of relational wellness) realize it or not, they may be ranking themselves against their partner.
Objectification is an unfortunate effect required for the patriarchy to exist. Are you viewing yourself or your partner as an object? Some men are submissive to their wives. They agree to the terms of being a “breadwinner” and expect to be rewarded for their work with sex… to be objectified by their woman at the end of the day. While other men see themselves as the head of the household and objectify their wives (even unintentionally) - they will say that a man’s purpose is xyz and a woman’s purpose is xyz and conflate love with a checklist of duties and responsibilities that both have fulfilled. Do our relational roles turn us into nothing more than household appliances to each other? That's objectification. What occurs to me as a new fear is that men who unknowingly subscribe to the patriarchy do not realize that they are mindlessly subjugating their wives, and feel entitled to their bodies because to subjugate is to objectify. I am better or more important than you. You are my object. I am frustrated when you do not submit.
I know what you are thinking, “I do not think of my wife as less than! I do not see her as an object!” Perhaps. but I want to ask you if there are two parts at play within you here. The part that knows and understands that it is unfair and unkind to view another person as better or worse than you - and the part that does it all the time. That part that judges others. That part that decides when to take the lead and when to step back. We all have it. I’m not judging you for accidentally objectifying anyone, including your wife, I’m simply saying we live in a system that normalizes this thinking and we are mindlessly doing it to everyone in our lives all the time. I’m simply asking you to be aware when this part of you is leading a belief about sex. If you find yourself feeling entitled to anything that exists in another person's body, you are objectifying them. However, if you acknowledge that you want a reciprocal romantic and intimate relationship that includes physical pleasure - you must build that landscape with your partner and what they want. Don’t build it with generic ideas given to you by a system that ranks human beings against each other.
I know plenty of men who value sex, who are good guys, who would read this and think that I am man-hating, that I am being needlessly mean. Please stay with me if this is you… because I don’t think you are wrong in what you are seeking from sex. I want you to understand how objectification and subjugation actually works for women. We live in a system that devalues us. Our survival requires us to value ourselves. When we are treated as objects and servants by our partners we must resist. If sex is a duty or owed or expected … we cannot want it. We cannot want you. Women cannot instinctively desire the men we love with our bodies when our bodies are being simultaneously expected as on-demand vessels of pleasure because it is the only way a man feels connection.
People forget that in the beginning of a relationship, even if you find a person physically attractive and could imagine having sex with them, what proceeds a first kiss, or first bang hang, are intense feelings of admiration, respect, interest, and desire to be with that person as a partner. Not just a hook up. Someone you enjoy being around. You love their laugh. You love the way they think. Conversations are interesting, fun, or flirtatious. You feel safe with them. You share something about yourself that they adore. All of these things build and build until we cannot wait to take each other’s clothes off. Once we are in a committed relationship… these experiences dwindle. The connection meets a threshold. We stop being curious about each other. We have no mystery. We become a little too comfortable. In these ways, I do believe there is such a thing as too much sex.
What encourages you to stay engaged? What encourages you to have space from one another? To continue to grow and develop and be mysterious and exciting to each other? The couple that plans a weekly dinner-date with the same perfume and sex routine afterwards is not building - they are maintaining something that could flatline. Too much sex can kill desire. How can I want something that I have? The best sex might need a little anticipatory energy - a build up of desire to bring back some intensity. Frequency is not the gold standard… desire is. You have to create it. Desire is fire. Frequency is routine and boring.
A fight is much more exciting intimacy than expected sex. I’m not encouraging a fight, however, when she is frustrated with him it is because she desires to be understood. He pushes back because she is so different from him and he needs to be understood too. This dance mirrors true physical intimacy. I expose myself to you and you expose yourself to me, and we battle it out until we both feel seen and connected. But, without this tension… it is just familiarity. Nothing is more vanilla than the same old routine where nothing new happens. Our bodies rush to the part that feels good and then it is over.
If this is the kind of sex you are having, more of it will not fill the hole (no pun intended) that you seek to fill. The hole you are seeking to fill is at the depths of your soul. The truest version of you that is still evolving and growing. Learning and yearning. It’s your regrets and hopes. It is your fears and your joy. It is your personality that you struggle to live authentically into because the world is cruel - but you still want someone to be witness to. You will seek to fill that void with dopamine giving experiences, like sex, and objectify your partner and use them as a vessel to placate you and your detachment from yourself until you look inward. Until you know and love yourself, until you know and love your partner, sex will only be the empty calories that distract you from real nutrition. You will continue to crave and be hungry for something until you understand your own malnutrition.
The best sex of your life is waiting for you on the other side of your own self control. On the other side of your own self love. On the other side of knowing who you are, and being vulnerable enough to show your gifts, your mind, your fear, your concern, your desire - you can truly feel known, loved, and wanted. And when that manifests into the physical… whoa buddy… buckle up. That kind of sex is cosmic and memorable.
I frame this generically in the context of male/female relationships because I believe this is a patriarchal problem, but it really applies to anyone who believes their “love language” is sex. Especially if that person struggles to connect in other ways. What you may be missing, regardless of your gender, is language. Connection to yourself. Self regulation, coping skills, and personal fulfillment address the voids that we seek to fill with sex. I don’t believe the phrase “I need sex from you” is ever accurate. Many relationships have to grieve the loss of physical ability to have intercourse, while still maintaining connection and intimacy. Regardless of your gender and sexual orientation, if you feel like “not enough sex is happening” I want you to first ask yourself these questions:
Do I have a process and means to connect with myself, to get to know myself better every day?
Am I capable of regulating my own emotions?
Have I learned how to express my emotions to others through language?
Am I seeking to fill my needs, but neglecting to be curious about the people I love and their needs?
What parts of me believe and participate in hierarchical systems that might be hurting me, my partner, and my relationship?
If you and your partner are struggling to align your physical intimacy and this post resonates with you, I want to support you in achieving more meaningful connection AND better sex. Please consider reaching out and scheduling a consultation today.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, LMFT. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here
DD Love, LMFT
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
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