How Do I Get My Husband to go to Therapy? - 5 Things to Consider for Men and Therapy

You see the jokes online. Perhaps you think the thoughts yourself. What's the deal with men and therapy? Why don't they go? First of all, many do go willingly. Second, is there a specific man you want to go to therapy?

Hi there, I'm DD Love. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist on the Western Slope in Grand Junction, Colorado. Some of my couple's therapy practices may be a little unorthodox, but that's because I pay attention to trends happening in the community that surrounds me. And right now, there is a major discrepancy between men and women who attend therapy electively. All too often a couple sits in front of me and I'll ask what their experience with therapy has been before. If it's a heterosexual couple, more often than not the female partner is actively in individual therapy or has been before, and the male partner has never been to therapy and is only in my office because their relationship has gone down a bumpy road.

Ok, well, the guy showed up. That's a start! But why did things have to get so bad before his partner could convince him to go? Here's what I see happening - many men arrive in my office with a lot of attitude. They talk down to me. Question my expertise. They question the effectiveness of therapy. They sit, arms folded, with a big question mark floating above them because they don't understand why they can't just solve the "problem" themselves. And yet, by the end of a first session, this same sort of guy usually breaks down in tears. Why? Because it is the first time they experience a setting where they can be a little boy again without judgment.

Men are not given permission to have feelings. They aren't given permission to ask for help. Society still expects men to be capable financial providers while these same men were promised that they wouldn't have to be emotional providers. In fact, everything in their upbringing was void of emotional education. The truth of the matter is the expectations have changed. Women want to have engaging conversations with their men. The problem is she is invested in taking care of her mental and emotional self and it is lonely because her male counterpart can't seem to value something that feels so critically important.

And for men it is super important! Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death among all men in the US and the 2nd leading cause of death for young men (10-34). Almost all of the leading causes of death point toward substance abuse/misuse or some kind of ill-coping. Men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide. Over 60% of local incarcerations of men are due to violent crimes such as murder, rape, and agravated assault. It doesn't sound to me like men are non-emotional at all! It sounds like they have emotions and no one is giving them the tools to deal with them while they are encouraged to "settle" things with violence. They have emotions, they just don't have emotional regulation skills. So why don't they go to therapy?

I've heard arguments about how the therapy world doesn't cater to men or that there aren't as many male therapists - and this could be true, but in my experience most men prefer a female therapist. Why? Well, from what men are telling me, they are embarrassed to have feelings and they don't want to talk to another man about it. That sounds like a problem stemming from childhood - shouldn't young boys have had the experience of talking about their life and problems with their own fathers by this point? If you don't trust other men with your feelings, you probably don't have examples of men in your life who talk about their feelings. If this Is you, it makes sense why therapy might feel like an unusual concept.

The idea that therapy should even be different for men than it should be for women is interesting as well. I wonder what "therapy that caters to men" might look like. What would I do differently? I don't know, but here is why I think men get hung up on going to therapy:

1. I'm not going to shame you for being a man. The patriarchy is indeed problematic, but that doesn't mean men are. In a lot of ways, we need men to rejuvenate the confidence of James Bond and old fashioned cowboys - we just need it without the chauvinism. Women are proving that they can do a lot for themselves right now, and their strength doesn't mean men are getting weaker. If you think that, the patriarchy has convinced you that even your own value is limited and ranked against others. If that's true, your female partner's strength is a threat. She is your enemy. She simply cannot be her best self next to you. Instead of being a good team of two strong people who work side by side and do cool stuff together, the patriarchy tells men that they are failing if they aren't better than their partner. I want you to leave therapy feeing braver, stronger, more intelligent, more loving, and powerful than before you came to visit, but I know we don't have to put anyone else down to do it. Both you and your partner can be confident and strong at the same time without competing.

2. Logic is still important, and emotions still need to be kept in check. One of my favorite arguments men make in therapy is that their female partner is more "emotional" while they are more "logical". They say this like they expect it to be some mic drop moment that is going to "win" therapy. In therapy, we focus on what we call the wisemind which is the intersection of feelings, logic, and values. When you dismiss feelings and only present solutions it's like replacing parts in a car without running a full diagnostic. How do you solve a problem without understanding what's wrong? Curiosity is required for real change to happen. You can't bypass emotion if you want to have a thriving relationship. And yes, relying purely on emotion and forgetting to be realistic is a good way to get stuck in a loop. That's like running a diagnostic and ignoring the results. It's about understanding and balance.

3. I'm not going to talk down to you. I'm not your mom or your third grade teacher. We are not at war. I am here to help you and your partnership. That's It. Respect in therapy is so important. I believe in you. I want you to have the skills and tools to live a better and happier life. I don't want you to always "need" my help. 100% of the work I do is to empower you to be self-sufficient. I'm a professional and I expect my education and training to be respected, but I also know that everyone has valuable insight that can lead to growth and change. It's a both/and. We work together.

4. I'm not just here to "take your money." This one really hurts my feelings when it comes up. I work really hard. I care a lot. I know that therapy is expensive, but it is also SUPER expensive to be a therapist. Most therapists I know, make about what a teacher makes without benefits. I only tell you this to paint a picture that therapy isn't a con. If it were, there would be more therapists rolling in the dough. Therapy, especially couple's therapy, is meant to be temporary. And trust me, divorce is way more expensive. If you're considering individual therapy, that can be temporary as well. It just depends on your goals. I work really hard to come up with a plan that doesn't take advantage of your budget, but still meats your goals. If you've got a stick up your butt about the money part, decide before hand what you're willing to spend before you become bitter about it. It's ok if you have a budget or you have to be realistic about what you can spend on therapy. If your bitterness about cost is going to get in the way of you trusting your therapist, you're going to waste your time (and money) resisting precisely the thing that is meant to help you.

5. Therapy isn't a quick fix, but it shouldn't take forever either. Your time, energy and money are valuable and shouldn't be wasted. My average time with couples is 4-10 sessions. Yep. You read that right. My rate is $120 out of pocket. That means for most couples $1,200 is the most they'll pay. I don't say this to toot my own horn, I just know that if by session 4 we don't have significant momentum, I might not be the right therapist for you. And if by session 10 you aren't ready to take the reigns yourself, I probably have nothing new to give you. Any of my couples who have chosen to stick with therapy after 10 sessions are doing so because they like coming, and I'm ok with that. I love my clients. We build really strong relationships and dive into important and meaningful things. You can come to therapy as long as you'd like, but I promise to check in with you along the way to see if you are happy with the pace and if I am helping you meet your goals. I can't guarantee a specific number of sessions, I just know my average. The rest depends on you.

This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, LMFT. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here

DD Love, LMFT

640 Grand Ave,

Grand Junction, CO 81507

(970) 852-0687

dd@ddlovecounseling.com