When is it Time to Call it Quits? 5 Signs it’s Time to End a Relationship

Have you and your partner been struggling for a while? Are you asking yourself if it is time to end things? If so .. . oof! What a tough time! I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could tell couples if their relationship was going to make it or not. Unfortunately, the right choice for everyone is very nuanced. I don’t know your specific situation, I can only share with you patterns and trends that I have seen over the last six years that raise some important questions that might help point you in the right direction:

#1. Is the relationship holding you back from becoming your best self? 

Your values say a lot about how you want to live your life and who you want to become. Does your current partner obstruct, prevent, discourage you from becoming that person? Do they do it knowingly or unknowingly?  If it’s unknowingly perhaps couple’s therapy can help both of you understand who the other is trying to become. Knowing this, perhaps you can recalibrate the relationship to supporting each other’s growth. However, if you are in an environment with someone who belittles you, doubts you, puts you down, seeks for a one-up position over you - becoming the person that you want to be will be met with a lot of resistance. Even taking into consideration compromise and working together (no one gets everything they want in a relationship) hopefully we get to be in relationships where our strongest supporters are our partners - and we theirs.

#2. Is the kind of relationship that you want compatible with the kind of relationship the other person wants?

You might love each other. You might support each other individually. And there are a lot of differences in opinion in every relationship about what an “ideal” relationship would be. Start there. What is your ideal relationship? What is theirs? Are there bridges between the two? Are there areas of compromise that are more rewarding than they are disappointing? There are several components of relationships that point out compatibility: communication, sense of adventure, hobbies and interests, social engagement, sex and intimacy, monogamy, spirituality, ambition, money, physical health, family, etc.The things we want in relationships are rarely objectively good or bad. The same goes for your partner. So much of the conflict I see in couples today is that each person wants the other person to want what they want so they can stay together. If you can or want to try to find a common ground, couple’s therapy might help. However, you're not doing anyone any favors if you are living in such deep regret that you become bitter and resentful towards the other person because the relationship is not what you want.

#3. Can you get past your past or has too much damage been done?

We all have breaking points. When serious conflict, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, and manipulation happen in a relationship a wound will remain. In couple's work, we do the best to work through these wounds and create opportunities for repair. However, sometimes things do break beyond repair.

One of The Gottman’s Four Horsemen is contempt for very good reasons. Do you even like your partner anymore? Have their actions and behavior made them unattractive to you? Do they make you feel so badly about yourself? Do you no longer have that loving feeling? I know I am seeing the end of a relationship when the two people in front of me no longer care about the other person’s feelings. It’s over. The relationship needs to die. After it does, perhaps a new one can form, but in my experience contempt to the extent that it leads to apathy will become a mechanical relationship, void of love if you don’t first embrace that you are no longer in love with this person. Let them go. See what happens next. 

#4. If you don’t work on this, what will you take to your next relationship?

You cannot outrun your trauma or attachment wounds. You will not find some magical person with unlimited forgiveness to deal with you when you are cruel and unkind because of something that hurt you in the past. Go to individual therapy. Figure out what matters to you most. Figure out what wounds exist within you that are triggered by this relationship. Know yourself well enough to know when you are fighting because you want the relationship to be better and when you are self sabotaging because of something old and untreated within you. Is this relationship worth fighting for? Are you willing to look at what you protect yourself from experiencing in an attempt to prevent further pain that may or may not come? Go to individual therapy first. Bring this insight to your couple’s therapy. If one or more person in the relationship is unwilling to accept that their own individual healing will help the relationship - be prepared to accept the relationship as is. There is no magical communication tool that is going to stop toxic patterns in your relationship as well as going to a therapist to take care of your own trauma wounds.

#5. Does it have to be goodbye forever, or can it just be for a time?

I do not like the moment I have to confront a couple with the question “What would it be like if you separated?” Because I know that I am planting a seed that just might take root. You might separate, and never come back together. However, I am amazed at how many people answer this question with, “I’d be relieved”. Well, perhaps after you are relieved, you can ask your husband, wife, or current partner who you are not currently living with - out on a date. Maybe you can sit across from each other and have deep intimate conversations, grown out of the time you’ve had to think alone. Separation doesn’t always mean it is over - it just means that we are ending whatever wasn’t working before. And that can be a very good thing. It means you have an opportunity to figure out what you want in a separate environment from someone who may want something different. It means giving your nervous system a break so you can work on healing. We think that repair is all about someone else's behavior towards us, but actually it is more about developing self trust. Knowing that you will walk away if things don't get better, reprograms your brain and your body to trust you and thereby minimizes the potential future damage others can do to you. Your body becomes less reactive in stressful situations because you have demonstrated that you will take care of you even if someone else doesn't want to change.

Whatever your answers to these questions might be, I want you to know that this stuff is really tough. For me, there is no such thing as “throw away” people or relationships. Love is worth fighting for. However, sometimes we abandon ourselves for the relationship’s potential. Sometimes we fight in circles while nothing is changing because we don’t know enough about ourselves or the other person to make any of it make sense. Sometimes we have built up so much contempt and resentment that we are three seconds from going nuclear on our partner whenever they try to speak to us. In my experience, there can be a lot of love in deciding to not stay together. There can be mutual respect in learning how to grow individually for the benefit of the relationship in the long-term. Trying to “go back to the way things were” or to “just move on” rarely works. If you change nothing, patterns have a way of reemerging even if you forgive each other. No communication tool is going to save your relationship if you don’t know yourself, the kind of relationship you want, your boundaries, your trauma, and if you don’t do whatever is necessary to get to a regulated state so you can make good choices. 

If you need support in sorting through any of these questions individually, or would like to schedule a session with your partner, please reach out. I am here to support you. 

This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, LMFT. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here

DD Love, LMFT

640 Grand Ave,

Grand Junction, CO 81507

(970) 852-0687

dd@ddlovecounseling.com